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Jon Should Not Be King

August 28, 2017 / Taylor Gaines

[SPOILERS for the “Game of Thrones” Season Seven finale, “The Dragon and the Wolf”]

“It may seem that way from the outside.” – Jon Snow (or whoever)

There’s a scene in the Season Seven finale of “Game of Thrones” where Theon and Jon are talking about family. During this scene, Theon remarks that Jon always seems to do the right thing, that he always seems to make the right choice. In Theon’s eyes, Jon is the golden child. He can do no wrong. Then Jon says the above: “It may seem that way from the outside.”

Despite countless jokes about various sex organs in the season finale, I can safely say that this was the hardest I laughed the whole episode. Nope. Sorry, Jon. It does not seem that way at all from the outside. In fact, from the outside, you look like an idiot.

Pretty much every character did call him out for announcing his allegiance to Daenerys at the exact wrong time, so people are aware that he’s stupid. But this man is still the “King of the North.” And apparently, based on what we were told at the end of the episode, he may be much more than that, too. The same guy who led the dumbest expedition north of all-time could be the heir to the Iron Throne.

I apologize for harping on this, but we need to talk more about that expedition north. The events of the finale demand it. Two big things happened in this episode:

1) The Night King broke through The Wall using a dragon that died saving Jon and Co. from dying while they tried to get a White Walker to bring to Cersei.

2) Cersei is not interested in fighting in the North. She would like to continue plotting to kill her enemies instead.

I doubt the show will return to this, but this means the plan was a failure in literally every way. They brought the White Walker to Cersei. She didn’t care. (They might still think she did, but really, she didn’t.) This means they lost a dragon for nothing. Not only that, they lost a dragon that just one episode later helped burn down a wall that I’m pretty sure everyone was banking on keeping the living and the dead separated. So the plan didn’t work, and in fact, it made things much, much worse for the entire Westerosi race. I know the last two episodes have been cool and breathtaking and pretty entertaining, but I really don’t think this is something to gloss over as the show positions Jon as the rightful heir to the throne. The man is an idiot, and I don’t know if he could rule over a ham sandwich.

Some thoughts (because there was way too much going on in this episode to possibly process it all):

The wall came down: I heard some whispers online in the last week that this might happen, so it wasn’t a total surprise (I really should stop reading the internet). But boy, did it look good. The visual effects on this show have become so good that you almost forget it’s TV. It’s almost like it’s not TV, it’s … just kidding.
No one died: Remember when “Game of Thrones” felt like a show where anybody could die? After this season, it’s starting to feel like that was a lie. Pretty much everyone of note survived this season. The ground has certainly become shakier beneath them, but it’s a bummer to have to wait years to make any significant plot movement with the way this show used to surprise.
Jon is King: Congrats, book readers. I’m sure this was a super fun moment for you.
Cersei + Tyrion 4ever: One thing “Thrones” can do like no other show is play on the deep, complex history of the characters when they share the screen together after years apart. This episode, we had Tyrion/Bronn, Hound/Brienne, Brienne/Jamie, Tyrion/Jamie, Jon/Theon, and I’m sure many more that I can’t remember. But putting Lena Headey and Peter Dinklage back in the same room might have been the best thing they’ve done all year. That scene was electric.
Cersei is not pregnant, right? This seems obvious. If she actually had a forthcoming heir, she might have honestly considered the truce. She certainly would have killed Jamie when he announced his intentions. She’s got plans, and I’m looking forward to seeing them end in her fiery death next season. (You can’t be wrong on a prediction if you just keep making it, right?) In all honesty, I’m glad she’s still on the board.
Theon back: [Insert joke about him not having balls here]
Littlefinger dead: The Winterfell stuff all kind of fell flat for me in the back half of this season. The Arya-Sansa stuff was tough to get through, even though (I guess?) most of it was intentionally contrived, and Littlefinger’s death seemed obvious a mile away. Also, the moment when Sansa called him out instead of Arya made me groan, which was probably not the desired reaction.
George R.R. Martin Up Arrow: This season was kind of a jumbled mess plot-wise, with a lot of things seeming to happen too quickly just so the writers could get to certain benchmarks. This gives the books a bright future if Martin ever finishes them, because he has a lot more room to explore (and possibly change) the events that led to this point. He can make the characters’ decisions sensible and consistent and make their plans much smarter.
Dany is Jon’s aunt: Ew. What is it with grand science fiction/fantasy epics and incest?
We are stupid: I mean … I’m still so in on this journey, you guys.

Fireside Chats: “August 32nd On Earth”

August 25, 2017 / Taylor Gaines

For each movie in the “Denis 2049” series, Taylor and Sam will sit down and bounce some thoughts off each other, off-mic. Their brilliant minds will unleash many words. Make of them what you will. First up: “August 32nd On Earth.”

Taylor: As we embark upon our journey through the many worlds of Denis Villeneuve, full of aliens and drug wars and kidnappings and many other large, scary things, I want to take the time to appreciate the simple humanity of his first feature film, “August 32nd on Earth.” It’s a small, straightforward and heartwarming movie. It makes me want to roll around in my bed going, “BOOP… BOOP… BOOP…”

Speaking of rolling around in bed, this is a movie about a woman who – after a close brush with death – tries to enlist her friend to help her conceive a child in the middle of the desert. I’ve never seen a premise quite like this before. Does this happen often? Have any of your friends ever approached you asking to help them conceive a child in the desert? Would you do this for any of your friends?

Sam: The short answer is yes, of course I would take my friend to the desert to impregnate her. But only if we were married. And only if she made a convincing argument that babies conceived in an arid climate are more physically inclined to survive a nuclear war that leaves the entire world in a perpetual, Mad Max post-apocalyptic Earth desert. Because that would be the place to do it. Google tells me those salt flats are so barren that life does not exist there and that the military uses it for “test areas” and bombing ranges. If my kids were conceived in a place like that, they could survive anything.

Here’s the thing, Taylor, this was a pretty well-made movie. It was about a woman trying to get pregnant (or something), but it looked a lot like Denis flexing. There were signs even then of how good he is. The cuts were airtight — clean and quick to an almost Edgar Wright level — in a movie that seemed like it should go a tenth the speed. His shots slowly went from grand in scope (the desert) to constricting and claustrophobic (the spaceship room), visually forcing these two friends uncomfortably closer together as the plot did the same.

It was really well-crafted, but the writing is what intrigues me the most, not just because he forgot to write it in English, but because it raises some poignant questions.

If I go to Canada, is there a real chance I’ll get run down by the Montreal chapter of the Tokyo Drifters? Did Simone just leave her car on the side of the road in the beginning of the movie? Is it still there? Is her peeing in the desert and seeing the charred remains of a runaway convict a top ten “Holy crap that’s a dead body” moment in movies?

Taylor: I don’t have nearly enough reference points to rank where the dead body moment would fall on the dead body rankings, but I can unequivocally say that is the only time I have ever seen someone find a dead body while squat-peeing in the middle of the desert. Well, in the movies, at least.

As to her car, everyone knows that if no one comes to the scene of an accident for three days, the car itself descends into hell.

What I’m interested in is the aforementioned Tokyo Drifters that seem to have taken up residence in Montreal. I can talk forever about this scene. What were they doing exactly? Where was everyone else who lives in Montreal? Why did Phillipe walk into the middle of the road to smell (?) their tire tracks? Why did they come back? Most importantly, why did they beat the s*** out of him?

My theory: The Drifters were put to the task by Simone. She finally realized that she had led on Phillipe too much, but she didn’t have a change of heart. So, knowing things had gone too far, she realized something had to be done. She had to remove him from the friend zone, and coincidentally, the earth zone. So she hired some hooligans that she met at the hospital after her car accident (cut scene where they had great banter and exchanged numbers for later) and waited for Phillipe to call. After he called (Phillipe always called from the same payphone), she told them where to go. “This whole plan depends on him sniffing the tire tracks,” she tells them. “He can’t resist. He might even lick them. That’s how you’ll be able to get a hold of him. Then take him out, and get back to Tokyo. Kill him.” Of course, when he didn’t die, she went to the hospital to smother him. That happens right after the film cuts to black.

Sam: Taylor, if I may, I’d like to tackle the task you so stupidly recused yourself from. Nothing would bring me greater joy than to provide the best “Holy crap that’s a dead body” scenes in movies for you. (I cut it to five for the sake of this not being five million words long.)

*The following list contains spoilers for Samuel L. Jackson’s fate in “Jurassic Park.”

1) “Jurassic Park” – So Laura Dern is pinned in a cage, being attacked by velociraptors, when she backs into a wall, where Samuel L. Jackson’s comforting arm rests on her shoulder as if to say “Don’t worry, I got you, everything’s ok.” And she’s startled at first but realizes it’s her friend. Wait a sec —

This is easily the best “Holy crap that’s a dead body” moment in movie history because it takes Laura an absurd amount of time (roughly 12 seconds) to realize that the arm of her friend is not attached to her friend. Also, it’s the only instance on this list of finding a dead body while the killers (velociraptors) are watching you and admiring their handy work. Handy work.

2) Con Air – A guy just got his car washed and is driving in traffic when this happens. It’s the ultimate way to come across a dead body. And most expensive.

3) “Goonies” – “I smell ice cream!” Chunk does not get enough credit for being able to smell ice cream from outside a closed freezer.

4) “Dumb and Dumber” – “Our pets’ heads are falling off!”

Finding a dead body still counts even if it died from natural causes.

5) The Scary Episode of “Boy Meets World” – “We’ll always remember he was that tall.” There’s an episode where Shaun has this dream that there’s a killer at the school murdering all his friends. This to me is the scariest of the body finds because six-year-old Sam did not understand that this episode was supposed to be funny.

As to your analysis of the Montreal Drift Gang (MDG), it is very important, and it gets me super excited. I did not realize that this movie was really only the beginning. That scene and subsequent coma is the “It’s not what you did son, it’s who you did it to,” of foreign romance dramas. If “Atomic Blonde” is Jane Wick, then this French-Canadian bloodbath is Jean Wic.

The next chapter will be a $100 million budget sequel, “August 33: Awakening,” a revenge-action movie where Phillipe wakes up from his coma after surviving Simone’s attempted smothering. But here’s the thing about Simone: she’s dead. The MDG pushed her off a Montreal skyscraper when the check for the murder she ordered bounced. MDG wants their due, so they come to Phillipe to collect. Should be an easy job, but they get cocky and kill his dog in front of him. Now, not only is Simone dead and their unborn, un-conceived, child (she didn’t have time to get pregnant, did she?). So is his dog. Should’ve killed Phillipe when they had the chance, because he’s about to battle his way to the top of the street gang — one drift race, one shot to the groin, one kick to the throat at a time — and he’s looking for blood. They have no idea what Phillipe can do, they think he’s just a coma nobody. They forgot one thing. That F****n nobody is Jean Wic.

The problem, Taylor, is that this movie came out 20 years ago. Who plays Phillipe in the sequel? Who plays the leader of the Montreal Drifters Gang? Steve Buscemi? Who plays the corpse of Simone as she flies off the top of a building?

Taylor: These are questions I think we should leave to the one … and only … Noah Hawley, when he signs on to direct this movie in 2021. Villeneuve will be on such a hot streak from “Arrival” and “Blade Runner 2049” and “Dune” and “Departure” (a sequel to “Arrival” where Amy Adams teaches heptapods how to reproduce with humans through a series of complicated underwater lessons) and his remake of “2001: A Space Odyssey,” “2049: A Space Odyssey” (which everyone agrees is far better and more innovative than the original) that literally ever piece of his history becomes super-hot IP that studios want a piece of. Hawley, the casting master, will release the sequel to this movie in ten parts, shown at a different theater each night over the course of 20 nights, and people will rave about his innovation and creativity.

Am I getting too far ahead of myself? We still have like eight movies to go.

Sam: You are getting too far ahead of yourself. I’m tired of talking about “August 32nd.” Let’s move on.

Current Denis 2049 rankings:

1. “August 32nd on Earth”

Next up: “Maelstrom.”

Denis 2049: ‘August 32nd On Earth’

August 22, 2017 / Taylor Gaines

Taylor is joined by Sam Hensel for the first episode of the official Denis Villeneuve podcast. On this episode, they break down Villeneuve’s first feature film, “August 32nd On Earth,” and figure out what it means going forward. Their viewing experiences had one crucially important difference.

Next time: “Maelstrom.”

You can find all of our previous podcasts on our website, OnTheIslandPodcast.com and on iTunes. Subscribe, rate, and review!

As always, thanks to Levi Bradford for the theme song. You can find his music at poblano.bandcamp.com.

Find the companion written piece here!

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Does “Game of Thrones” Think We’re Stupid?

August 21, 2017 / Taylor Gaines

“We were thinking, how could you possibly survive that situation?” – D.B. Weiss (executive producer, “Game of Thrones”)

Stories can be written in different ways. You can improvise and come up with the plot as you go along, hoping to keep your characters tethered to the reality you’ve created. You can set up a track and know exactly where it’s heading and try to fit the plot points in like puzzle pieces. I’ve heard people say they can’t start writing a story without knowing how it ends, and I’ve heard people say they want to let their story unfold naturally. Ideally, the story creation process will involve a bit of each approach. Because as with many things in life, the right way to go about things often lies in the gray, blurry area in between the two extremes. If the story is going in a direction that doesn’t make sense, you have to be prepared to change direction. If it’s too loosey-goosey, it might never come together. There needs to be some sort of plan.

“Game of Thrones” is like the Titanic. It’s clearly heading toward a battle between the living and the dead, and the ship is much too large to change direction. Turning the ship and changing things would be exceedingly difficult and take far more time than the writers have left. Because of that, it’s become a show where solutions are looking for problems rather than the other way around. In this week’s episode, “Beyond The Wall,” that became incredibly distracting.

D.B. Weiss and co-showrunner David Benioff have a much shorter order of episodes to work with than usual as things wrap up on TV’s most-watched show. When this season comes to an end Sunday, there will have been seven episodes in 2017. There are expected to be six in the show’s final season. Given this compressed time frame, they seem to have given themselves markers to reach. Two stand out for this year: 1) Get Dany north of the wall so she can lose a dragon to the Army of the Dead and realize how real the threat is, and 2) Get all our main characters together in one place for the season finale.

They’ve accomplished those things now, but boy was it clumsy.

The quote at the top of this piece is referring to Jon Snow and Co.’s stupid plan to go north of the wall and bring back a living White Walker. Weiss is talking about an issue the writers apparently faced once they got there, face-to-face with the Army of the Dead: How do you get your important characters to survive an un-survivable situation so they can fight another day? Here’s what they came up with: The main characters will be surrounded by thousands of White Walkers, but they will find a spot in the frozen tundra perfectly surrounded by unstable ice so they can engage in a stand-off long enough for Dany to travel northward the distance of all of Westeros and save the day.

Cool.

Putting aside the fact that there are literally no limits to how quickly people can travel places in “Game of Thrones” now, this wasn’t the only stupid contrivance that helped get the writers where they needed to go. The episode was full of them. The Actually Interesting Suicide Squad conveniently stumbles onto a group of White Walkers made up of like seven soldiers, enabling them to capture one. They are nearly eviscerated by a single evil polar bear thing but then somehow manage to fight off an insane number of White Walkers without anyone important dying. They are close enough to Eastwatch that Gendry can just run all the way back and hit up Danaerys real quick. Jon pretty much jumps on a grenade for everyone and doesn’t die. Benjen suuuuuper conveniently shows up to save the day. Did I mention Dany travels the length of the world in like five seconds? Also, think of the number of contrivances it took just to get us to this deus ex dragon. The plan to travel north of the wall to capture a White Walker was colossally stupid from the start. Dany and Jon could have taken out the Lannisters in a day, but because the writers were so tied to turning a dragon evil and having Dany see the Army of the Dead and having Jon and his aunt fall a little more in love and keeping Cersei on the board, they had to go through with it despite all logic and sense.

And that’s just north of the wall. Arya, consistently one of the most interesting and complex characters on the show, has rapidly devolved into a cartoonish villain over the course of like two episodes. And the drama manufactured between her and Sansa is just as transparently set up as the plan to go north. The writers want some friction so it will be interesting when things turn back around and they kill off Littlefinger. Unfortunately, they’re sacrificing character to get there. One of the great things about “Game of Thrones” was that it was always possible to empathize with, or at least understand, the show’s complicated characters. Now, for the sake of plot, they all seem to have become simple and stupid.

So now what? The writers wanted to get us to this point, and however ungraceful the execution, we’re here now. Perhaps with a longer season, the decisions of the characters could have been made to make a bit more sense, or at least seem a bit more justified. But with one week to go, we’re here. Everyone is coming together next week.

It’s frustrating that it took so much stupidity to get here, but there’s a chance it could be fine. They got through the BS and (here’s hoping) have set us up for the story they are prepared to tell. It was obvious what would happen when everyone went beyond the wall, but now things are a bit more unpredictable. I truly don’t know what will happen when all the great houses get together next week. Given the deep, complex history of this show, it’s going to be exciting. The thought of simply seeing Jon and Cersei and Daenerys and Tyrion and everyone in one place makes my heart jump. But thanks to the creaky bridge the show built to get us here, the expectations are higher than ever. They can still pull this off in a satisfying way, but the fireworks might have to be so bright that they blot out the past. Do Benioff and Weiss have it in them?

We shall see.

Television Needs More Shows Like ‘Room 104’

August 18, 2017 / Taylor Gaines

The people change, but the hotel room always stays the same.

Fresh towels, a well-made bed, a phone. Tables with nothing on them. Think of the things a hotel room could see. A babysitter watching a kid. A married couple ordering a pizza. A cult ceremony. Anything can happen in a hotel room.

That’s what Jay and Mark Duplass explore in their new HBO anthology series, “Room 104.” Each episode (three have aired) tells a different story in the same hotel room. Everything happens in the confines of the room. The characters are new and different each time. The stories are simple in premise, and complicated in practice. And to this point, it has been absolutely compelling television.

There are a lot of television shows. You know that. I know that. But most of them follow a loose structure. There are characters we love, and they have a conflict they need to solve. We typically may not know exactly where every story is headed, but we have a sense of its general direction. The good guys are probably going to win, the bad guys are probably going to lose. Maybe a supporting player will die along the way.

The most gripping thing about “Room 104” is that it feels like truly anything can happen. With new people and limited information each time out, you never know where things are going or where they’re coming from. You’re just waiting in a hotel room, watching.

There’s something to be said for a show that makes your heart pound. I won’t pretend I totally understand the endings of the first three episodes of “Room 104,” but I don’t feel like it matters. The simple, economical shots that set up each episode have me hooked instantly. There’s something about the simple mundanity of the hotel room that gives it an eerie edge, something about its staidness that makes it feel like anything can happen. Everything appears controlled in a way that feels completely out of control.

So far, the show has been funny, scary, steamy, disturbing, beautiful and thrilling. The deft control of tone and easy shifts from drama to comedy and back and forth and all around, along with the brevity of the episodes, keeps you locked in. The camera – manned by Sarah Adina Smith twice and Patrick Brice once in the first three episodes –continues to find interesting and creative new ways to film people’s lives in the hotel room. The use of doors and colors and staging is fascinating. The simple, effective story set-ups leave room for all kinds of twists and turns.

The brilliant contradiction of “Room 104” is that it takes place in a tiny, confined space, but absolutely anything can happen.

The Duplasses have set out to “find some magic in the seemingly mundane.” And they’ve found much more than just magic. They’ve found life, death, love and many other confusing and beautiful things about our world. They’ve taken a room and welcomed in the whole world.

They don’t let us off the hook, though. You want to see what goes on behind closed doors? Fine, be a fly on the wall. You’ll see something you shouldn’t be seeing. You’ll realize that the simple act of watching makes normalcy seem strange. You’ll wonder what it would mean for someone to watch you.

There will be 12 episodes in the first season of “Room 104.” And I’m thrilled to explore them all. It can take us anywhere, and there are not a lot of shows with an element that exciting. I don’t know where it will take us, or what it will mean, or if I’ll even enjoy the ride. But the sheer thrill of not knowing where the ride will take us makes it worth the price of admission. Television needs more shows like “Room 104,” willing to try anything and everything to reinvent what it means to be telling stories in a small box, whether it’s the one in our pocket or the one in our living room.

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