Taylor Gaines is joined by Sam Hensel for the second episode of the official Denis Villeneuve podcast. On this episode, they try to decipher a film that they did not understand, because it was entirely in French. This one was a challenge. “Maelstrom” tells the story of a depressed, alcoholic woman whose life nearly unravels after having an abortion.
For each movie in the “Denis 2049” series, Taylor and Sam will sit down and bounce some thoughts off each other, off-mic. Their brilliant minds will unleash many words. Make of them what you will. First up: “August 32nd On Earth.”
Taylor: As we embark upon our journey through the many worlds of Denis Villeneuve, full of aliens and drug wars and kidnappings and many other large, scary things, I want to take the time to appreciate the simple humanity of his first feature film, “August 32nd on Earth.” It’s a small, straightforward and heartwarming movie. It makes me want to roll around in my bed going, “BOOP… BOOP… BOOP…”
Speaking of rolling around in bed, this is a movie about a woman who – after a close brush with death – tries to enlist her friend to help her conceive a child in the middle of the desert. I’ve never seen a premise quite like this before. Does this happen often? Have any of your friends ever approached you asking to help them conceive a child in the desert? Would you do this for any of your friends?
Sam: The short answer is yes, of course I would take my friend to the desert to impregnate her. But only if we were married. And only if she made a convincing argument that babies conceived in an arid climate are more physically inclined to survive a nuclear war that leaves the entire world in a perpetual, Mad Max post-apocalyptic Earth desert. Because that would be the place to do it. Google tells me those salt flats are so barren that life does not exist there and that the military uses it for “test areas” and bombing ranges. If my kids were conceived in a place like that, they could survive anything.
Here’s the thing, Taylor, this was a pretty well-made movie. It was about a woman trying to get pregnant (or something), but it looked a lot like Denis flexing. There were signs even then of how good he is. The cuts were airtight — clean and quick to an almost Edgar Wright level — in a movie that seemed like it should go a tenth the speed. His shots slowly went from grand in scope (the desert) to constricting and claustrophobic (the spaceship room), visually forcing these two friends uncomfortably closer together as the plot did the same.
It was really well-crafted, but the writing is what intrigues me the most, not just because he forgot to write it in English, but because it raises some poignant questions.
If I go to Canada, is there a real chance I’ll get run down by the Montreal chapter of the Tokyo Drifters? Did Simone just leave her car on the side of the road in the beginning of the movie? Is it still there? Is her peeing in the desert and seeing the charred remains of a runaway convict a top ten “Holy crap that’s a dead body” moment in movies?
Taylor: I don’t have nearly enough reference points to rank where the dead body moment would fall on the dead body rankings, but I can unequivocally say that is the only time I have ever seen someone find a dead body while squat-peeing in the middle of the desert. Well, in the movies, at least.
As to her car, everyone knows that if no one comes to the scene of an accident for three days, the car itself descends into hell.
What I’m interested in is the aforementioned Tokyo Drifters that seem to have taken up residence in Montreal. I can talk forever about this scene. What were they doing exactly? Where was everyone else who lives in Montreal? Why did Phillipe walk into the middle of the road to smell (?) their tire tracks? Why did they come back? Most importantly, why did they beat the s*** out of him?
My theory: The Drifters were put to the task by Simone. She finally realized that she had led on Phillipe too much, but she didn’t have a change of heart. So, knowing things had gone too far, she realized something had to be done. She had to remove him from the friend zone, and coincidentally, the earth zone. So she hired some hooligans that she met at the hospital after her car accident (cut scene where they had great banter and exchanged numbers for later) and waited for Phillipe to call. After he called (Phillipe always called from the same payphone), she told them where to go. “This whole plan depends on him sniffing the tire tracks,” she tells them. “He can’t resist. He might even lick them. That’s how you’ll be able to get a hold of him. Then take him out, and get back to Tokyo. Kill him.” Of course, when he didn’t die, she went to the hospital to smother him. That happens right after the film cuts to black.
Sam: Taylor, if I may, I’d like to tackle the task you so stupidly recused yourself from. Nothing would bring me greater joy than to provide the best “Holy crap that’s a dead body” scenes in movies for you. (I cut it to five for the sake of this not being five million words long.)
*The following list contains spoilers for Samuel L. Jackson’s fate in “Jurassic Park.”
1) “Jurassic Park” – So Laura Dern is pinned in a cage, being attacked by velociraptors, when she backs into a wall, where Samuel L. Jackson’s comforting arm rests on her shoulder as if to say “Don’t worry, I got you, everything’s ok.” And she’s startled at first but realizes it’s her friend. Wait a sec —
This is easily the best “Holy crap that’s a dead body” moment in movie history because it takes Laura an absurd amount of time (roughly 12 seconds) to realize that the arm of her friend is not attached to her friend. Also, it’s the only instance on this list of finding a dead body while the killers (velociraptors) are watching you and admiring their handy work. Handy work.
2) Con Air – A guy just got his car washed and is driving in traffic when this happens. It’s the ultimate way to come across a dead body. And most expensive.
3) “Goonies” – “I smell ice cream!” Chunk does not get enough credit for being able to smell ice cream from outside a closed freezer.
4) “Dumb and Dumber” – “Our pets’ heads are falling off!”
Finding a dead body still counts even if it died from natural causes.
5) The Scary Episode of “Boy Meets World” – “We’ll always remember he was that tall.” There’s an episode where Shaun has this dream that there’s a killer at the school murdering all his friends. This to me is the scariest of the body finds because six-year-old Sam did not understand that this episode was supposed to be funny.
As to your analysis of the Montreal Drift Gang (MDG), it is very important, and it gets me super excited. I did not realize that this movie was really only the beginning. That scene and subsequent coma is the “It’s not what you did son, it’s who you did it to,” of foreign romance dramas. If “Atomic Blonde” is Jane Wick, then this French-Canadian bloodbath is Jean Wic.
The next chapter will be a $100 million budget sequel, “August 33: Awakening,” a revenge-action movie where Phillipe wakes up from his coma after surviving Simone’s attempted smothering. But here’s the thing about Simone: she’s dead. The MDG pushed her off a Montreal skyscraper when the check for the murder she ordered bounced. MDG wants their due, so they come to Phillipe to collect. Should be an easy job, but they get cocky and kill his dog in front of him. Now, not only is Simone dead and their unborn, un-conceived, child (she didn’t have time to get pregnant, did she?). So is his dog. Should’ve killed Phillipe when they had the chance, because he’s about to battle his way to the top of the street gang — one drift race, one shot to the groin, one kick to the throat at a time — and he’s looking for blood. They have no idea what Phillipe can do, they think he’s just a coma nobody. They forgot one thing. That F****n nobody is Jean Wic.
The problem, Taylor, is that this movie came out 20 years ago. Who plays Phillipe in the sequel? Who plays the leader of the Montreal Drifters Gang? Steve Buscemi? Who plays the corpse of Simone as she flies off the top of a building?
Taylor: These are questions I think we should leave to the one … and only … Noah Hawley, when he signs on to direct this movie in 2021. Villeneuve will be on such a hot streak from “Arrival” and “Blade Runner 2049” and “Dune” and “Departure” (a sequel to “Arrival” where Amy Adams teaches heptapods how to reproduce with humans through a series of complicated underwater lessons) and his remake of “2001: A Space Odyssey,” “2049: A Space Odyssey” (which everyone agrees is far better and more innovative than the original) that literally ever piece of his history becomes super-hot IP that studios want a piece of. Hawley, the casting master, will release the sequel to this movie in ten parts, shown at a different theater each night over the course of 20 nights, and people will rave about his innovation and creativity.
Am I getting too far ahead of myself? We still have like eight movies to go.
Sam: You are getting too far ahead of yourself. I’m tired of talking about “August 32nd.” Let’s move on.
Taylor is joined by Sam Hensel for the first episode of the official Denis Villeneuve podcast. On this episode, they break down Villeneuve’s first feature film, “August 32nd On Earth,” and figure out what it means going forward. Their viewing experiences had one crucially important difference.
I want to talk about something we don’t talk about enough. Journalism in movies.
I’ve been watching a lot of random old stuff lately, so the most recent egregious portrayal of journalism I’ve seen in a film is in 1982’s “Gandhi.” It’s a movie about historical figure Gandhi, starring Ben Kingsley as Gandhi. It also features Martin Sheen as a New York Times reporter named Walker (and Daniel Day-Lewis as a racist guy??!). It’s like three hours long and surprisingly boring for a movie about such a fascinating character. But I’m not here to talk about that.
I’m here to talk about Martin Sheen’s journalism. So, his character, Walker, shows up a couple different times in the movie to follow Gandhi around and write a story about him. I want to talk about his techniques, because they are terrible.
My credentials: I have been doing news reporting since high school. I have taken years of journalism classes and even have a degree in journalism. I have reported and written many stories. I am very knowledgeable of the way reporting and newswriting is supposed to work. I may not have won any Pulitzers or anything, but I know the rules and principles of journalism. And while rules may be made to be broken, a reporter from the New York Times would certainly be expected to adhere to journalistic rules and principles.
All that being said, let me list three reasons why Martin Sheen is a bad journalist in “Gandhi.”
1) He is never seen with a pad or pen the entire movie.
There are more scenes like the one above, but take note: Walker never writes anything down when he’s talking to Gandhi. Gandhi is one of the most famous spiritual thinkers of all-time. He has a million great quotes that you can find in all kinds of history books. True to form, in this scene alone, he drops a ton of great ones right in front of Walker. And Walker, inexplicably, doesn’t write any of them down! He asks several good questions of Gandhi, but WHAT’S THE POINT IF YOU LITERALLY NEVER WRITE ANYTHING DOWN?! Does he have some kind of photographic memory or some equivalent that allows him to remember every word Gandhi speaks to him? If he has this power, they don’t make it clear in this film. And if Gandhi’s so smart — and respects newspapers so much, as he says in this scene — why doesn’t he ever say, “Hey dog, are you writing any of this down? I’m dropping golden nuggs, man”?
Walker is going to have a very hard time writing an accurate, fact-based story relying solely on memory. This is a gaping, unforgivable plot hole.
2) He openly applauds during Gandhi’s Salt March.
Journalists are supposed to remain objective while covering stories. To not “cheer in the press box,” so to speak. You don’t pick sides, and you make every effort to keep emotion from interfering with the story you’re covering. You may disagree with this policy, but it’s the way things are, and a publication like THE NEW YORK TIMES was definitely following this standard in the early 20th century. Walker does a horrifying job of remaining objective. After Gandhi scoops some salt from the ocean at the conclusion of his iconic Salt March, the crowd begins cheering and applauding. Walker — like some kind of hack — decides to join in and start clapping and cheering, too, which is all too easy to do because he doesn’t have a pad or pen in his hands anyway.
Look, it’s okay to like the subjects you’re covering. It’s maybe even okay to tell them that. But you should never — NEVER — get caught on television cheering like you’re at the seventh game of the World Series. This is bad journalism.
3) His story is incredibly slanted.
There’s a scene toward the end of the movie where Sheen recites his story into a telephone (presumably for someone else to type up for him, I don’t know, we don’t do things that way now, we use computers, GET A COMPUTER WALKER). Here’s a little taste of that story:
“Whatever moral ascendancy the West held, it has lost it here today.”
Okay so … Save it for the editorial section, Walker. You should never — NEVER — be stating, as fact, that “the West has lost its moral ascendancy.” This is, unquestionably, an incredibly biased statement. You know what would have worked well here? A quote! Perhaps one from Gandhi, saying essentially the same thing (and probably in a much smarter way), or perhaps one from a British leader stating the opposite viewpoint. EXCEPT IT’S PROBABLY PRETTY TOUGH TO PUT QUOTES IN YOUR STORY WHEN YOU LITERALLY NEVER WRITE ANYTHING DOWN.
The New York Times should have much higher standards than this Walker guy. Bad reporting, bad conduct, bad story.
On Tuesday, Taylor and Sam argued over which movie director should be the subject of their upcoming podcast series. In the series, they will examine each movie in the filmography of a prominent director. When the dust settled, two men remained: Guillermo del Toro and Denis Villeneuve. Next Tuesday, we’ll be holding a live Twitter vote to determine the winner and subject of the series. Today, we are publishing Taylor’s and Sam’s arguments for why you should vote for their chosen director. You can find Taylor’s here. Down below: Sam on del Toro.
I am a connoisseur of advanced metrics.
The goal of this podcast is to watch every movie of one director (ideally to get hyped about a future project they’re making). We started out by selecting five directors to whittle down. I turned to the number-generating questions:
How many movies have they put out? What do the critics think of those movies? How dead or close to dead are they? Are their posters cool? Is Jake Gyllenhaal in their movies a lot?¹
All things are calculable and have binary value. My algorithms for this project were tedious and all-encompassing, creating an altogether perfect system to choose the perfect candidate: Guillermo del Toro,² master of the dark fairy tale.
His attention to oddity and sense for people as cold and haunted as the house they were living in made “Crimson Peak” feel truly icy and ghoulish.
His wariness of the exhausted usage of monsters and Transformer-sized monsters in movies helped him create a surprisingly original and (don’t hate me for this) actually pretty good “Pacific Rim.”
He makes truly escapist movies, not distracting movies. I don’t know where or when “Shape of Water” is supposed to take place, but it looks like a completely singular sci-fi/horror/romantic(?) experience, and I have full faith in GDT to put me there. I don’t know what kind of neighborhood has Pan’s Labyrinth from “Pan’s Labyrinth”just sitting nearby in the woods, but it is certainly a place I’ve never been and never, ever, ever want to go to.
But I’m not here to tell you why GDT has a better resume of great movies than Denis Villeneuve (for example: Villeneuve has 0.00 movies in which an orphaned demon is the main hope for taking down the Nazis; GDT has at least two).
I’m here, ultimately, to prove that GDT is in every way a better person than Dilly Vineuve.³
Isn’t that what we’re really asking ourselves? Because the question, “Which of these directors should I watch every movie of?” in a world where the writer-director puts so much of himself into the movie is really asking this: “Who do I want to hang out with for hours and hours?”
That question can only truly be answered by running del Toro and Villeneuve through the two most relevant and encapsulating scenarios I’ve come across.
They’re featured below:
¹ In full disclosure, The Gyllenhaal Clause was used officially as a tie-breaker between two directors with equal scores in the original calculations. It was not given its own category.
² Technically. it was Guy Ritchie, but he was immediately eliminated, so here we are.
³And tbh I don’t feel comfortable pitting “The Strain” and “Blade II” against “Arrival” and the trailer for “Bladerunner 2049” in a one-to-one comparison. That just feels like something I won’t win.
Scenario 1:
You go out to the park after school, and you’re looking to ball. You start shooting around and get picked up to play a 5-on-5 game by three guys. They tell you to pick the fifth. You look over and see GDT and Dilly sitting on the bench hoping to get picked. Who do you take?
This is not a decision to be taken lightly.
I’m in the camp of those who believe you can tell everything you need to know about a man by the way he plays pick-up basketball. Competition can bring out the worst in you, but low-stakes competition that you’re letting get the best of you because it’s more competitive than you thought — now that reveals your true self. It’s the best test of character that technology can measure at the moment, and if it were up to me, this would be the only scenario we study.
In the podcast Taylor and I recorded this week, I decided that if the directors¹ were put into actual basketball positions, GDT would be my center. Taylor said in response that Dillineuve would be his shooting guard to “knock down threes.” Let’s play that out for a second.
We’re talking about backyard streetball here. This is a game in which most of the time there is no three-point line, and if it’s anything like Northdale Park, the double rim is bent all the way to the side.
What kind of selfish basketball are you playing if you’re sitting from beyond the non-existent arc tossing bricks at the side of a deformed hoop?
Let me tell you what kind.
Every possession, Dilly walks across half court and starts calling for the ball. He’s the guy who’s “always open.” He waits on the edge for a shot that 90 percent of the time makes a be-dunk! sound off the back of the rim and shoots out to a defender. Guys like Dilly always follow it up with a completely shocked cry of disappointment like it’s some kind of unheard-of tragedy that it didn’t go in, preceded of course by the unwarranted “AND ONE!” that insinuates he was anywhere near close enough to anyone to make contact.
At 6-foot-1, (probably like) 250 pounds, GDT is putting in the work for your team at center. He’s boxing out when Dilly throws up garbage shots, and he’s arm-wrestling for every single ball that skyrockets off the rim. He doesn’t get thanked. and he doesn’t get glory. He bruises his way to the rim, gets the ball, and bounces back out to the shooter. He comes, he eats, he leaves². Selfless.
¹For posterity: Guy Ritchie (Power Forward), Danny Boyle (Small Forward), Kathryn Bigelow (Point Guard), Darren Aronofsky (Shooting Guard).
²Yes I know that this has an entirely different meaning in the movie. Don’t @ me.*
*RTs are fine.
Scenario 2:
You wake up in Mexico. You have no idea how you got there. You’re lying face down in the dirt, and a member of the Cartel is pointing a gun at your head. Your hands are tied, and you’ve just been informed that your dad has been kidnapped.
This is the easiest test imaginable. Listen to these real-life GDT quotes:
“I worked for months next to a morgue that I had to go through to get to work. I’ve seen people being shot; I’ve had guns put to my head; I’ve seen people burnt alive, stabbed, decapitated … because Mexico is still a very violent place.”
“I remember the worst experience of my life, even above the kidnapping of my father, was shooting ‘Mimic.'”
Skrrt!! What? Even above the kidnapping of my father! We’re talking about a dude who has so much experience with danger that he thinks making a movie — to be fair I haven’t seen it, so maybe its just the worst — is worse than his father being kidnapped in Mexico! That says as much about his dedication to the craft as it does his potential desensitization to violence.
Do you want someone who made a pretty good movie about Mexico (“Sicario”) or THA DUDE WHO HAD GUNS POINTED AT HIS HEAD IN MEXICO AND SURVIVED.
Let’s stop passing the ball to Dilly.
Let’s follow Guillermo down into del Toro’s Labyrinth.
Let’s please watch both “Hellboys.”
Follow us @fauxworthypod, and check in on Tuesday for the live vote. The winner will be the subject for the podcast series. “Blade Runner 2049” comes out October 6. “The Shape of Water” comes out December 8.
